Family Ties

As a Thai-Farang relationship develops and such issues as sin sot and other cultural differences are gradually understood and compromises made major hurdles may still be on the horizon.

Being in a relationship with a Thai also involves a much greater affiliation with her family than most relationships with Farang women do. In the great majority of cases marrying a Thai woman means that you automatically accept some responsibility for her parents’ material well-being. Added to this, the obligation to help and support the family can also extend to your wife’s brothers and sisters.

Marrying a Farang is still seen as winning the lottery by some Thai people. It is not just interpreted as good fortune for the wife of the Farang but also for her immediate family. From what I have heard from my wife and observed in some Thai-Farang relationships this conception on the part of the family is a major hurdle that could scupper the best of relationships.

In the beginning of our relationship it also seemed clear that my wife had some grandiose plans about how our relationship was going to impact on her family. She often showed me a plot of land that her family owned and how they were all saving up to have a new house built on it. However, these plans seem to have gradually moderated themselves as both she and her family realised that I was not the stereotypical rich Farang who could just pull money out of a hat. I have never experienced any real conflict with anyone because of this. Things just seem to have sorted themselves out behind my back.

On my latest visit to my wife’s village I did sense that some members of the family still looked to me in terms of dramatically improving my mother-in-law’s living conditions. Since our last visit some neighbours had built brand new homes – significant upgrades from their previous homes. The next-door neighbour had built their house through hard work of their own – and they had still not finished building it. The neighbour across the street, however, had had a brand new home built in no time – with Farang money. The daughter was still living in Thailand but apparently had a Farang boyfriend generous with money.

The friends of my wife’s family naturally came to eat and chat with us. It was obvious from their looks that they wanted to see what I thought about these developments. It was as if they wanted me to declare that it was embarrassing for my mother-in-law to still be living in a modest home when all the neighbours lived in much better homes. Surely, as a Farang I had the power to change this situation? That is how I felt that they wanted me to feel.

I did not get any direct hints about this from my wife, however. It seems that she has come to the belief that whatever improvements she can bring to her mother’s living conditions will be gradual. She sends 10,000 THB home every month which her mother uses to make gradual improvements to the home – eg. the aluminium sidings have now been replaced by wooden sidings. The ambitious plans to build a brand new house seem to have been laid to rest in favour of more moderate plans to improve the current house.

It is a cultural misunderstanding on the part of the Thais to think that Farangs have a never ending supply of money. Some people in Mam’s village seemed to think that about me – and that to keep my “status” as a Farang I would surely buy a fancy house for my mother-in-law. Upon my first meeting to the village hundreds of people came to greet me – all showing huge interest and respect. This time matters had changed. The family across the road in the newly built house – just kept lying on their wooden platform looking at us as we unpacked. It was as if they expected us to go and see them as they now believed their status was higher than ours. Thankfully, my wife is not greatly affected by such behaviour. She is, of course, wishing the best for her mother, but she also realises that trying to squeeze more money out of our joint UK economy in order to keep up with the Joneses is futile.

Some of Mam’s new Thai acquaintances in the UK have greater dilemmas than us it seems. A Thai woman who arrived 6 months ago to live with her Farang husband is now desperate to scrape together 200,000 THB to pay off the debts her brother seems to have accumulated over a short period of time. When a Farang is brought into the family it seems much easier for the parents, brothers and sisters of that family to get loans from the “big people” of the village. The Farang is the safety net and surely he will step in and pay if the Thai person can’t? That seems to be the thinking.

This Thai-Farang couple have not yet had a village wedding, but it seems that he has made promises to her family upon previous visits. One such promise was to send 20,000 THB of his money to support her mother every month. Now his wife is working in the UK and she has been sending home 30,000 THB a month. However, this did not prevent the mother-in-law from reprimanding the Farang for not keeping his promise – she also wanted the 20,000 THB of his money, as promised.

Equally, it seems that the brother of the family must have seen the new Farang addition as an opportunity to gamble or otherwise spend money rapidly. This money is now lost and his creditors have set him an ultimatum to pay back the money within 2 months. This is a cause of great despair for his Thai sister who believes that she is obliged to bail him out. She is the one who can so she is the one the family look to for help. In that sense being married to a Farang can be a great cause of stress as she now has to negotiate between her Farang husband, who believes he is being exploited, and her Thai family, who expects her to do everything she can to help.

I believe that the expectations the Thai family may have of a Farang are mainly due to misunderstandings. Thai people living in a village will often perceive Farangs in terms of what they see around them in the village. What they often see are new houses being built as well as other modern conveniences. When the Farang is about he may spend copious amounts of money which again can be interpreted as a never ending supply. The money gives the Farang status, and I guess some Farangs may want to show off a bit too much. This will backfire when the family or the village interprets this as a steady and ready source of money. If after spending so much he tries to stop spending he must have a “cruel” heart.

Most Farangs will inevitably be equated with money, but I think perceptions can be changed and demands can be negotiated if the Farang and his Thai wife are sufficiently in tune with each other. When a Thai understands the situation and Western ways of thinking it is easier for her to explain reality to her Thai family. Again, I think it boils down to status and how new-found status is handled by either wife or family.

If both family and a Thai wife puts a high premium on having high status among the wider Thai community it must be excruciatingly difficult for the Farang to negotiate with such and make reasonable compromises. It means winning your wife over to your way of thinking before negotiating with the Thai family.

In these matters there are ample opportunities for a clash of cultures. The Farang does not have a total understanding of how important mutual obligation and loyalty are within Thai families, and Thai families often do not have an understanding of the limits of Farang wealth and his willingness to spend it on them.

A possible compromise may be that the Thai wife has to accept that the status of her and her family will not change radically, and the Farang husband has to accept that a certain part of your joint income in spent on your wider Thai family to improve their lot as well as maintaining face as a Farang.

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