The Wai

One of my most memorable experiences of committing a cultural faux pas involved the traditional Thai gesture of the Wai. Like many Westerners I only had a vague notion that the Wai indicated respect between individuals as well as an idea about status.

The incident that I should probably feel embarrassed about if I was truly enmeshed in Thai culture occurred as my wife and I were waiting for a flight from Bangkok back to Farangland.

We had been enjoying breakfast with my wife’s sister in one of the airport restaurants after which we escorted my sister-in-law down to the Taxi ranks to wave goodbye to her. She had smiled heartily throughout our time together, and she had given us various gifts and also done us various favours. I had been trying to thank her in English a few times, but my sister-in-law did not speak English as well as my wife and whenever I tried to thank her she just smiled and did her best to look away or look at my wife to quickly focus attention on something else.

From my Western upbringing I was feeling uncomfortable about not being able to express my gratitude for all the help my sister-in-law had offered both my wife and I. It was something that I had on my mind as we were waiting for a Taxi – I felt I still needed to show some sort of gratitude just to avoid being remembered as rude.

It was with this background that I committed my faux pas. As my wife’s sister had got inside the Taxi and had shut the door – I was waving to her at the kerb. I then changed my waving into a Wai. To show the extra gratitude I felt I even made my Wai last 1-2 seconds and I raised my clasped hands so my fingertips touched the edge of my nose. My sister-in-law reacted with an expression that looked like a combination of shock, embarrassment and disappointment. Her natural smile completely disappeared and she drove away not wanting to look in our direction or wave back at us.

This experience left the impression with me that Wai-ing was something radically different in meaning to any of our typical Western gestures. In a Thai context, using this gesture to show politeness and respect to someone you like as a person could, it seemed, cause that person discomfort or shame - which seems a very alien idea to most Western minds.

At its most basic, the Wai is a symbol of harmony, right and left in symmetrical peace, and the surrender of latent power to the gesture of respect. There are further meanings beyond this, however.

The pressed palms and spire-like fingers of the Wai resemble a temple, produced before the body as an act of homage. The height of this temple is determined by one’s own social height or status in relation to others. Submission or condescension is implied by the exchange of one Wai with another. Inferiors are expected to Wai first, and superiors should respond if the social distance is not too great. Persons who feel their “inferiority” will display it by raising their fingertips to nosetip height.

My manner of Wai-ing must have perplexed my sister-in-law. She was probably embarrassed that I showed such humility and inferiority to her. My wife’s sister does not have any Farang acquaintances and was not used to seeing foreigners committing cultural gaffes such as this. Her response was therefore more “honest” and direct about how Thais feel about the Wai, I feel.

The Wai is a special part of the Thai social instinct inculcated from childhood and despite outward signs of Westernization it still remains at a deep level of the Thai psyche. Blatantly misconstruing the uses of the Wai like I did can only cause discomfort to people.

Some Thais will see many Westerners commit such gaffes and instead of feeling embarrassment on their behalf they may laugh it off behind their backs. Some Westerners take this to heart and lament that other less knowledgeable Westerners keep Wai-ing. To these Westerners such prostration by fellow Farangs is something like a ploy that indigenous Thais use to ridicule Westerners in general.

When you discuss the issue of Wai-ing with Thais many will say that it is OK for Westerners to commit such faux pas – Thais know that such Westerners are just trying to be friendly. I believe this reply mainly comes from the Thai instinct to try and make people feel comfortable and avoid upset. My sister-in-law had no natural reflex in response to my unexpected Wai beyond a shocked expression. Other Thais express less outward shock as they have come to expect such gaffes by Westerners. However, this does not mean that they feel any more comfortable with such “poor” adaptation to their culture than my sister-in-law did.

It is to the credit of Thais and Thai culture that they allow the Westerner a way out of making such faux pas. Not Wai-ing at all (except of course to the “grandparents” of my wife’s village - otherwise I will get kicked by my wife) is eminently acceptable, provided that you are otherwise friendly and well-mannered. Thais may not exactly be pleased by such a suspension of their method of mutual civility, but they are gracious enough to acknowledge the limits of their own culture.

Thai promo for The Wai:

If you have any comments to this article please post them here

Some comments on this article:

A good article – although I think it should be mentioned that it would indeed be a cultural “faux pas” NOT to wai certain people, such as monks, elderly people etc.

Keep up the good work with the site. I enjoy reading your articles as an alternative to the more “entertaining” but also narrow-minded blogs on Thailand.

By Flemming in Norway